Very Punny

The greatest blog post of the year:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you,
but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
“A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this
taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe
you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him “Juan.” Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s
good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

Quote-a-palooza

“If we can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people, under the pretence of taking care of them, they must become happy.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Barack Obama remains opposed to new offshore drilling (although he now says he would accept a highly restricted version as part of a comprehensive package). Just [recently], he claimed that if only Americans would inflate their tires properly and get regular tune-ups, ‘we could save all the oil that they’re talking about getting off drilling.’ This is bizarre. By any reasonable calculation of annual tire-inflation and tune-up savings, the Outer Continental Shelf holds nearly a hundred times as much oil. As for oil shale, also under federal moratorium, after a thousand years of driving with Obama-inflated tires and Obama-tuned engines, we would still have saved only one-fifth the oil shale available in the United States.” – Charles Krauthammer

“It’s always good to take a break from the madding crowd, but especially now that American politics has surpassed itself in self-mockery. After four days avoiding television, blogs, YouTube, and cell phones, it is possible to wonder how we get so exercised about the insignificant. Not that politics isn’t important. The debate about what role government should play in our lives is no small thing. And while we can’t all kick back at once and hope that our enemies work out their anger issues, a little perspective is salutary and productive in a fallow field kind of way… The family is what gives our life meaning and makes our nation strong. The family is also what keeps government at a respectful distance- working for us and not the other way around. All our political choices should be made in the service of that understanding. That’s all. And we’ve got work to do.” – Kathleen Parker

“Mapping America, a project cataloguing the societal effects of the family and church, has found that adolescents from broken homes are much more likely to use hard drugs, according to data from the National Longitudinal Sample of Adolescent Health. Of adolescents who live with married or cohabiting parents or with an always-single parent, up to 11% have used hard drugs. When their living environment has been disrupted, however, that number shoots up: 15% for adolescents living with divorcees, 18% for those in stepfamilies, and 19% for those living with one biological parent in a cohabiting relationship. Divorce and parental separation increase both the likelihood of trying drugs and the amount of drug addiction and intravenous use, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Fourteen-year-olds of divorced parents are nearly four times more likely to try illegal drugs and twice as likely to use them as adults. What can be done? Sometimes- not always, but sometimes- complex problems can be addressed with simple solutions. In the case of teenager and pre-teenager drug abuse, a little bit of faith can go a long way.” – Ken Blackwell

“I have always believed that America is strongest and freest and happiest when it is truest to the wisdom of its Founders. In Federalist 45, James Madison wrote that ‘The powers delegated by the Constitution to the Federal Government are few and defined. Those which are to remain in the State Government are numerous and indefinite.’ Or to put it another way, ‘We the People.’ As long as we remember these words- ‘We the People’ – and make them our guide, so long as we remember that America has always drawn its inspiration from the people and has always been governed best when governed most by those governments closest to the people, America will remain strong and free, the envy of the world.” – Ronald Reagan

“Edgar K. Browning, professor of economics at Texas A&M University, has a new book aptly titled ‘Stealing from Each Other.’ Its subtitle, ‘How the Welfare State Robs Americans of Money and Spirit,’ goes to the heart of what the book is about. The rise of equalitarian ideology has driven Americans to steal from one another. Browning explains that certain kinds of equality have been a cherished value in America. Equality under the law and, within reason, equality of opportunity is consistent with a free society. Equality of results is an anathema to a free society and within it lie the seeds of tyranny… [Browning]… reminds us of the biblical admonition ‘Thou shalt not steal.’ Government income redistribution programs produce the same result as theft. In fact, that’s what a thief does; he redistributes income. The difference between government and thievery is mostly a matter of legality. Browning’s solution is captured in the title of his last chapter, ‘Just Say No,’ where he proposes, ‘The federal government shall not adopt any policies that transfer income (resources) from some Americans to other Americans.’ He agrees with James Madison, the father of our Constitution, who said, ‘I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents’.” – Walter Williams

“It is the madness of folly, to expect mercy from those who have refused to do justice; and even mercy, where conquest is the object, is only a trick of war; the cunning of the fox is as murderous as the violence of the wolf.” – Thomas Paine

“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell

“They’ll forgive you for being wrong. What they won’t forgive you for is being right.” – Robert L. Bartley

“Remember, there is such a thing as good and evil.” – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

“The best defense against usurpatory government is an assertive citizenry.” – William F. Buckley

“It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.” – Will Rogers

“Here’s the record when it comes to Georgia. Obama, on learning of the Soviet invasion, played it cool. It was ‘important… for all sides to show restraint.’ McCain, by contrast, demanded that Russia ‘immediately and unconditionally’ pull its forces out of Georgia… McCain… understood the stakes in the affair… Does Obama understand…?” – William Murchison

“Georgia, whose desire for NATO membership had U.S. support, is not in NATO because some prospective members of McCain’s league of democracies, e.g. Germany, thought that starting membership talks with Georgia would complicate the project of propitiating Russia. NATO is scheduled to review the question of Georgia’s membership in December… If Georgia were in NATO, would NATO now be at war with Russia? More likely, Russia would not be in Georgia.” – George Will

“Truthfully, an Obama presidency should scare the pants off 70 percent of Americans… Across the board, Obama is dramatically out of sync with this center-right nation… Obama’s entire campaign theme is fraudulent. How can a man unite America when his views are so far out of line with average Americans for whom he has revealed unbridled contempt? How can he inspire America when he advertises his disdain for what he believes America has become?” – David Limbaugh

“[T]he bigger government gets and the more powerful the state becomes, the greater the threat to individual liberty and the greater the likelihood that evil will ensue. In the 20th century, the powerful state, not religion, was the greatest purveyor of evil in the world.” – Dennis Prager “Congressional Democrats demand… a clampdown on ‘speculators.’ The Democrats proposed this a month ago. In the meantime, ‘speculators’ have driven the price down by $25 a barrel. Still want to stop them? In what universe do traders only bet on the price going up?” – Charles Krauthammer

“There’s a quick campaign ad on the two parties in a nutshell. Republican George Bush took on Osama bin Laden and took out Saddam Hussein. Democrat John Edwards hides in a bathroom from the tabloids.” – Brent Bozell

“Elizabeth Edwards agreed to speak at the Democratic convention and John Edwards said he was promised a speech. Bill and Hillary will also speak. The Pledge of Allegiance that night could provide one of the funniest moments in television history.” – Argus Hamilton

Jay Leno: While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards [finally] admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It’s all true! … I guess Edwards apparently met this woman at a New York City bar in 2006, and he is a pretty smooth operator. You hear his opening line to the woman? “So, uh, which America are you from?” … Well, Democrats are furious, they’re going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down. … In an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, “Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?”