When I’m Absolute Dictator…

More Wizard of Id

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Voting Requirements

I just got back from the Blue Rocks game a little while ago, and for the 7th inning stretch, they asked women (nurses, I believe) who were there with the Breast Cancer Awareness promotion to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” They were very nervous because they weren;t sure they knew the words.

When I’m absolute dictator, being able to sing the chorus of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” will be a requirement to be allowed to vote.

When I’m Absolute Dictator

A constant problem around Wilmington is people parking their cars in the street blocking a lane of traffic. Especially galling is when they do they do with spots open just a few feet from where they park their cars in a traffic lane.

Union Street is notorious for this, especially during rush hour. I’ve seen it go from three lanes to one because peopel seem to think they have a God-given right to park wherever they want, regardless of the law and the inconvenience to others.

When I’m absolute dictator, cash payments will be given to those who ram these illegally parked cars from behind and the illegal parker will be made to pay for repairs to their cars and the car that rams them. Plus pay for a nice rental car to replace the ramming car while repairs are being made.

Furthermore, if the car is parking in such a manner when there are spots available, people will be encouraged to drive into the front of said cars as well, with the terms noted above still applying.

When I’m Absolute Dictator

A constant problem around Wilmington is people parking their cars in the street blocking a lane of traffic. Especially galling is when they do they do with spots open just a few feet from where they park their cars in a traffic lane.

Union Street is notorious for this, especially during rush hour. I’ve seen it go from three lanes to one because peopel seem to think they have a God-given right to park wherever they want, regardless of the law and the inconvenience to others.

When I’m absolute dictator, cash payments will be given to those who ram these illegally parked cars from behind and the illegal parker will be made to pay for repairs to their cars and the car that rams them. Plus pay for a nice rental car to replace the ramming car while repairs are being made.

Furthermore, if the car is parking in such a manner when there are spots available, people will be encouraged to drive into the front of said cars as well, with the terms noted above still applying.

Man Law: No Talking in Public Bathrooms

I would think it was an already accepted Man Law that there should be no talking in public men’s rooms. (There can be an exception for a father with a young child with him, or when friends are alone.) I just started a new assignment and apparently men at this location don’t know the rules.

My girlfriend will mock me because I sometimes absentmindedly start singing while washing my hands in her bathroom. This is weird enough, but just now at work, while I was using the facilities, another guy came in, singing quite loud. Sees me, asks how I was doing, and continues singing. He then turns on the faucet on one of the sinks, walks over to the urinal next to me (there are only two urinals in this bathroom), flushes it, unzips, puts his hands behind his back, and starts a conversation about the weather. (I can’t escape because I’m in midstream.) I try to answer him curtly, but he keeps going with the conversation, flushing the urinal every few seconds. I finish as quickly as I can, and go to wash my hands. I notice that he’s placed a cup under the running faucet which is now overflowing into the sink. I get out and shudder at the experience.

So, when I’m absolute dictator, talking to strangers in a men’s room, in non-emergency cases, will punished by application of duct tape to the mouth on future bathroom visits.