Voting Requirements

I just got back from the Blue Rocks game a little while ago, and for the 7th inning stretch, they asked women (nurses, I believe) who were there with the Breast Cancer Awareness promotion to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” They were very nervous because they weren;t sure they knew the words.

When I’m absolute dictator, being able to sing the chorus of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” will be a requirement to be allowed to vote.

When I’m Absolute Dictator

A constant problem around Wilmington is people parking their cars in the street blocking a lane of traffic. Especially galling is when they do they do with spots open just a few feet from where they park their cars in a traffic lane.

Union Street is notorious for this, especially during rush hour. I’ve seen it go from three lanes to one because peopel seem to think they have a God-given right to park wherever they want, regardless of the law and the inconvenience to others.

When I’m absolute dictator, cash payments will be given to those who ram these illegally parked cars from behind and the illegal parker will be made to pay for repairs to their cars and the car that rams them. Plus pay for a nice rental car to replace the ramming car while repairs are being made.

Furthermore, if the car is parking in such a manner when there are spots available, people will be encouraged to drive into the front of said cars as well, with the terms noted above still applying.

When I’m Absolute Dictator

A constant problem around Wilmington is people parking their cars in the street blocking a lane of traffic. Especially galling is when they do they do with spots open just a few feet from where they park their cars in a traffic lane.

Union Street is notorious for this, especially during rush hour. I’ve seen it go from three lanes to one because peopel seem to think they have a God-given right to park wherever they want, regardless of the law and the inconvenience to others.

When I’m absolute dictator, cash payments will be given to those who ram these illegally parked cars from behind and the illegal parker will be made to pay for repairs to their cars and the car that rams them. Plus pay for a nice rental car to replace the ramming car while repairs are being made.

Furthermore, if the car is parking in such a manner when there are spots available, people will be encouraged to drive into the front of said cars as well, with the terms noted above still applying.

Man Law: No Talking in Public Bathrooms

I would think it was an already accepted Man Law that there should be no talking in public men’s rooms. (There can be an exception for a father with a young child with him, or when friends are alone.) I just started a new assignment and apparently men at this location don’t know the rules.

My girlfriend will mock me because I sometimes absentmindedly start singing while washing my hands in her bathroom. This is weird enough, but just now at work, while I was using the facilities, another guy came in, singing quite loud. Sees me, asks how I was doing, and continues singing. He then turns on the faucet on one of the sinks, walks over to the urinal next to me (there are only two urinals in this bathroom), flushes it, unzips, puts his hands behind his back, and starts a conversation about the weather. (I can’t escape because I’m in midstream.) I try to answer him curtly, but he keeps going with the conversation, flushing the urinal every few seconds. I finish as quickly as I can, and go to wash my hands. I notice that he’s placed a cup under the running faucet which is now overflowing into the sink. I get out and shudder at the experience.

So, when I’m absolute dictator, talking to strangers in a men’s room, in non-emergency cases, will punished by application of duct tape to the mouth on future bathroom visits.

Bad Things

Ryan’s post reminded me of a Bad Thing I went through yesterday morning. This past weekend was the Annual Catholic Appeal, wherein we ask Catholics to support the operations of the diocese through contributions. I was the person at my parish responsible for leading people through the process of filling out their pledge cards during Mass.

Attending the 9:30 Mass (the family Mass), I was reminded why I don’t usually attend the 9:30 Mass. Speaking directly into the microphone, I still couldn’t hear myself at some points of the Mass due to noise of children, especially one baby who reminded me of nothing as much as Damien from “The Omen“.

I’m convinced that if I am unfortunate enough to experience Hell, it will remind of the 9:30 Mass.

And when I’m Absolute Dictator, parents who make no effort to get a screaming child out of Mass until they’re calm will be denied Communion.

Bad Things

Ryan’s post reminded me of a Bad Thing I went through yesterday morning. This past weekend was the Annual Catholic Appeal, wherein we ask Catholics to support the operations of the diocese through contributions. I was the person at my parish responsible for leading people through the process of filling out their pledge cards during Mass.

Attending the 9:30 Mass (the family Mass), I was reminded why I don’t usually attend the 9:30 Mass. Speaking directly into the microphone, I still couldn’t hear myself at some points of the Mass due to noise of children, especially one baby who reminded me of nothing as much as Damien from “The Omen“.

I’m convinced that if I am unfortunate enough to experience Hell, it will remind of the 9:30 Mass.

And when I’m Absolute Dictator, parents who make no effort to get a screaming child out of Mass until they’re calm will be denied Communion.

Ther two sweetest words in the English Language: “Play Ball!”

Well, beat the drum and hold the phone – the sun came out today!
We’re born again, there’s new grass on the field.
A-roundin’ third, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man;
Anyone can understand the way I feel.

Oh, put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.

Well, I spent some time in the Mudville Nine, watchin’ it from the bench;
You know I took some lumps when the Mighty Casey struck out.
So Say Hey Willie, tell Ty Cobb and Joe DiMaggio;
Don’t say “it ain’t so”, you know the time is now.

Oh, put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.

Yeah! I got it, I got it!

Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes;
You know I think it’s time to give this game a ride.
Just to hit the ball and touch ’em all – a moment in the sun;
(pop) It’s gone and you can tell that one goodbye!

Oh, put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.

Oh, put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Put me in, Coach – I’m ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.

Yeah!
— “Centerfield” by John Fogerty

When I’m absolute dictator, Opening Day will be a national holiday.